Evil Genius Gates Drops Windows 98 Into NYC Water Supply

[Neil Palmer <npalmer@xxxxxxxxxxx>]

OK - time for another laugh break !

Neil Palmer                                AS/400~~~~~      
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> Subject:      Evil Genius Gates Drops Windows 98 Into NYC Water Supply
> 
> Bill Gates reveals his sinister water-contamination plan to his
> legions of Microsoft underlings. 
> 
> NEW YORK-Determined to circumvent Justice Department action
> forestalling the release of his powerful new operating system,
> Microsoft CEO
> and evil genius Bill Gates dropped Windows 98, coded into liquid form,
> into New York City's water supply sometime this past weekend. 
> 
> "Excellent," said Gates, watching his scheme unfold on a 30-foot
> video screen deep within Microsoft's Redmond, WA, compound.
> "Everything is going exactly according to plan." 
> 
> Doctors say the risk to New Yorkers who consume Windows-tainted water
> is considerable. "As little as three ounces of water can carry the
> entire
> Windows 98 installer file into the drinker's cerebral cortex," said
> Dr.  Terry Braithwaite of New York's Mt. Sinai Hospital. "Once this
> insidious operating system enters a person's brain, it may take years
> to fully rebuild his or her original neurological programming, and
> even then, old files can remain in their memories for years." 
> 
> According to New York water commissioner Glenn Portnoy, the
> Susquehanna and Catskill reservoirs were contaminated with the
> software in question late Saturday night, rendering 100 percent of the
> city's taps Windows-compatible only. Those living in any of the city's
> five
> boroughs, Portnoy said, are now at risk of having the system installed
> in their bodies by drinking, cooking with, or even showering with
> New York City water. 
> 
> "Residents of New York!" said Gates in a televised address early
> Monday morning. "Some of your neighbors, your friends, your own
> family members have not yet joined us in operating within our glorious
> system. Why not? Is something affecting their judgment? Are they
> perhaps... thirsty?" Above: The Gatesignal looms over the Manhattan
> skyline. 
> 
> "Water," Gates added. "The source of all life." 
> 
> Gates then emitted a sinister, high-pitched laugh and faded out,
> returning televisions across New York to their regular programming
> with the push of a button. 
> 
> Justice Department officials said they plan to come down hard on the
> software giant for its latest controversial move. "Not only is
> tampering with a major metropolitan area's water supply illegal," U.S.
> attorney Joel Klein said, "but mass, involuntary bio-installation of
> operating-system software is a gross violation of federal antitrust
> law." 
> 
> Klein said Microsoft has also taken steps to prevent rival Netscape
> from placing its web browser in New York's reservoirs, an act he said
> may constitute a further illegal monopolistic trade practice. If found
> guilty of dispatching winged Microsoft henchmen to block Netscape's
> access to the reservoirs, Microsoft may face fines of up to $670
> million. 
> 
> Gates refused to respond to the allegations, but spoke directly to the
> people of New York via Microsoft's Windows 98 brainwave transmitter,
> saying, "Command priority reformat unit sub-Klein-delete//DELETE:
> A-Priority." Klein's whereabouts are currently unknown. 
> 
> Despite Microsoft's tainting of their water supply, New Yorkers seem
> relatively unfazed. 
> 
> "There is nothing wrong with having Windows 98 in my body," said a
> glassy-eyed Queens woman identifying herself as
> "7398473289348390-98.01."
> "Windows 98 is good. Where do I want to go today, O Gateslord?" 
> 
> Added the woman: "Invalid sector error Type -41." 
> 
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