• Subject: Doc's Predictions For 1998...
  • From: Ed.Doxtator@xxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Mon, 22 Dec 1997 18:02:34 +0000

CFGDOC PREDICT(*ON)

1.  In an attempt to prove yet again that computer types aren't "just
geeks", the "cool Java-style product name" paradigm is extended (i.e.
Marimba, Bongo, Castinet, etc.), once again proving that compiler designers
are frustrated early 1980's rock stars and failed mid-1980's advertising
men.  Product names will have nothing to do with the product whatsoever.
The biggest names will be "TinselTown", "Toast", "Umlaut", "Gargle!", and
in an attempt to capture the interest of Doom and Quake gamers,
"SplatterGore".

2.  Advertising will not be forgtten, either.  Swanky prime-time ads
promoting the new hip-named products with Tom Baker of "Dr. Who" fame
rapping to a soundtrack sampled from one-hit wonder bands of the 1980's
will air on prime-time.  Songs to be sampled will be "Ice Ice Baby" by
Vanilla Ice, "Just Got Lucky" by Jo Boxers, "88 Lines About 44 Women" by
Nails, and "China" by Red Rockers.  Following IBM's lead, no useful
information will be disseminated by these advertisements.

3.  Like programmers who learned C on other platforms than the AS/400, Java
programmers will resist migrating to the AS/400 implementation because
"_OS/400 isn't UNIX_, but my boss made me".  IBM will launch a project to
correct this oversight, codenamed "Orkin".

The plan involves luring a group of Unix programmers into the same room as
an AS/400 by telling the group there is a girl who _understands_ vi,
working in a basement lab.  The group will rush for the bait, only to find
the girl is fictitious, but too late!  The door will slam and they will be
trapped.  IBM promises to release the group as soon as a native GUI has
been developed.  The project will fail as factions emerge, scuttling any
work.  The main factions  will be a pro-Bell Labs UNIX group against other
groups spouting, "my version that's BETTER than Bell Labs UNIX".

The International Commission On Human Rights will lobby to keep the group
locked up, but IBM will release the group once the Health Department
complain.  When interviewed as to the what the project actually produced,
the general consenus of the programmers is, "Phaw!  We KNEW girls couldn't
use vi!"

4.  8" floppy drives will be re-introduced, because they make you FEEL LIKE
A MAN.

5.  In a curious move, IBM will announce V3R3.  It will be rumoured that an
"unnamed IBM senior executive" lost a bet with Ralph "Tank" Goombah at
CUDS.  The bet involved a using Tequilla Slammers, lawn darts, and a
Microsoft representative who showed up at CUDS accidentally.  No charges
will be filed.


CFGDOC PREDICT(*OFF)

That's it, folks.

Look after yerselves, have a great Christmas and a Joyous New Year!

-Ed, Doc, I do LIKE Unix programmers... it's the commands I can't stand...


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