COBOL Humour

A little something for all you AS/400 COBOL programmers out there:


There was once a COBOL programmer in the mid to  late  1990s.  For the
 sake of this story, we'll call  him  Jack.  After years of being taken
 for granted and treated  as a  technological dinosaur  by all the UNIX
 programmers and Client/Server programmers and website developers, Jack
 was  finally  getting some respect.  He'd become a  private consultant
 specializing in  Year  2000 conversions.  He  was  working  short-term
 assignments for prestige companies, traveling  all over  the  world on
 different assignments.  He was working  70  and  80  and  even 90 hour
 weeks, but it was worth it.

 Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
 on  Jack.  He  had  problems sleeping and began  having anxiety dreams
 about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where  even the thought of
 the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort
 of breakdown, because all he could think about was how  he could avoid
 the year 2000 and all that came with it.

 Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics.   He
 made a deal to have himself  frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a
 very expensive process and  totally automated.  He  was  thrilled. The
 next thing he would know  is  he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the
 New  Year celebrations and  computer  debacles;  after the  leap  day.
 Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

 He  was  put into his cryogenic  receptacle, the technicians  set  the
 revive date, he was given  injections to slow his  heartbeat to a bare
 minimum, and that was that.

 The  next thing that Jack saw was  an enormous and  very  modern  room
 filled with excited people.  They  were all shouting "I can't  believe
 it!"   and "It's a miracle"  and  "He's alive!".   There were  cameras
 (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out
 of a science fiction movie.

 Someone  who  was  obviously  a  spokesperson for  the  group  stepped
 forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked.
 "Is  2000 already here?  Are all the millennial parties and promotions
 and crises all over and done with?"

 The  spokesman explained  that  there had  been  a  problem  with  the
 programming of the timer  on Jack's cryogenic  receptacle,  it  hadn't
 been year 2000  compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later,
 not the year 2000.  But the spokesman told  Jack that he shouldn't get
 excited; someone important wanted to speak to him.

 Suddenly  a wall-sized projection screen displayed  the image of a man
 that looked very much like Bill Gates. This man was Prime Minister  of
 Earth. He told Jack not to be upset. That this was a wonderful time to
 be alive. That there was world peace and no more  starvation. That the
 space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on  the moon
 and  on  Mars. That technology  had  advanced  to  such  a degree that
 everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them  to contact
 anyone  else on the  planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear
 any music recorded anywhere.

 "That sounds terrific," said Jack.  "But I'm curious. Why is everybody
 so interested in me?"

 "Well," said  the Prime Minister.  "The year  10000 is just around the
 corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL."


-- 
... Neil Palmer                                      AS/400~~~~~      
... NxTrend Technology - Canada      ____________          ___  ~     
... Markham,  Ontario,   Canada      |OOOOOOOOOO| ________  o|__||=   
... Phone: (905) 731-9000  x238      |__________|_|______|_|______)   
... web:http://www.nxtrend.com        oo      oo   oo  oo   OOOo=o\   
... mailto:npalmer@nxtrend.com     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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